If an adult displays these behaviors, protect your child:
1. If an adult looks to a child for emotional or physical comfort.
2. If an adult shares personal or private information or activities with children rather than adults
3. If an adult is "crossing boundaries" - insisting on hugs, kisses or tickles a child even when the child indicates that this is uncomfortable.
4. If an adult seems unusually interested in a child's body or sexual development. This may include making fun of the child's sexual parts or describing the child with sexual words like "sexy" or "hotty".
5. If an adult encourages secrets in children
6. If an adult becomes a "special friend" to a child and offers money or gifts.
7. If an adult misreads affectionate gestures from a child as sexual.
How an abuser "grooms" a victim
Few sexual abuse assaults against children are spontaneous acts. In fact, preparation occurs gradually over a period of time. In an effort to gain a child's trust (and that of any immediate adults) many molesters will groom a child in preparation for the inappropriate contact. The most common stages of grooming are:
- Engagement - Trust is established early, initially through appropriate and ingratiating behavior towards both the child and close adults.
- Sexual Interaction - Once trust is established, an erosion of boundaries begins. If the child does not vigorously resist the advances or appear overly upset or report the violations the touching progresses to more invasive forms of contact over time.
- Secrecy Established - If the child does not express alarm, the perpetrator is reassured that he/she can proceed. The child continues to be manipulated into maintaining secrecy.
Offenders often tell a child that touching of this kind is good and pure and indicates just how special their relationship is. Offenders also work to convince the child that they are their advocate and understand and support them more than anyone else in their life.
Finally, it is not uncommon for a child to be given alcohol or drugs to decrease his or her boundaries. This introduction serves to further manipulate the child into silence as the molester suggests that the child will be in trouble if he or she "tells." This process of grooming a child is documented, classic, sex offender behavior.
Child molesters most often select their victims carefully, typically targeting a child who is in need of attention, perhaps living in a single parent home and/or experiencing difficulty at school or in social settings. In short, the molester targets the child who might need the attention of an adult and be more willing to keep a secret in exchange for that valued attention.
When a question of abuse is raised, responsible adults often report that they have felt uneasy while witnessing interactions between a certain adult and child. They say they've witnessed "odd" or inappropriate behavior that left them feeling concerned. But they didn't take action because, "this was a really nice person who seemed to genuinely care for children."
Protecting children can occur in a variety of ways. A subtle conversation with a child can go a long way in protecting him or her against abuse. Adults can ensure that a questionable individual is not given access to children. In fact, offenders will often back off if they sense adults are being watchful. Then, if concerns remain, making a hotline call is always an appropriate action.
From: Child Advocacy Center: Springfield, MO 65806
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Warning signs of emotional abuse in children
- Excessively withdrawn, fearful, or anxious about doing something wrong.
- Shows extremes in behavior (extremely compliant or extremely demanding; extremely passive or extremely aggressive).
- Doesn’t seem to be attached to the parent or caregiver.
- Acts either inappropriately adult (taking care of other children) or inappropriately infantile (rocking, thumb-sucking, tantruming).
Warning signs of physical abuse in children
- Frequent injuries or unexplained bruises, welts, or cuts.
- Is always watchful and “on alert,” as if waiting for something bad to happen.
- Injuries appear to have a pattern such as marks from a hand or belt.
- Shies away from touch, flinches at sudden movements, or seems afraid to go home.
- Wears inappropriate clothing to cover up injuries, such as long-sleeved shirts on hot days.
Warning signs of neglect in children
- Clothes are ill-fitting, filthy, or inappropriate for the weather.
- Hygiene is consistently bad (unbathed, matted and unwashed hair, noticeable body odor).
- Untreated illnesses and physical injuries.
- Is frequently unsupervised or left alone or allowed to play in unsafe situations and environments.
- Is frequently late or missing from school.
Warning signs of sexual abuse in children
- Trouble walking or sitting.
- Displays knowledge or interest in sexual acts inappropriate to his or her age, or even seductive behavior.
- Makes strong efforts to avoid a specific person, without an obvious reason.
- Doesn’t want to change clothes in front of others or participate in physical activities.
- An STD or pregnancy, especially under the age of 14.
- Runs away from home.
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All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, ability to have healthy relationships, and ability to function at home, at work and at school. Some effects include:
- Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? Abuse by a primary caregiver damages the most fundamental relationship as a child—that you will safely, reliably get your physical and emotional needs met by the person who is responsible for your care. Without this base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy. This can lead to difficulty maintaining relationships due to fear of being controlled or abused. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.
- Core feelings of being “worthless” or “damaged.” If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings. You may experience them as reality. Adults may not strive for more education, or settle for a job that may not pay enough, because they don’t believe they can do it or are worth more. Sexual abuse survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often especially struggle with a feeling of being damaged.
- Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways. Adult survivors of child abuse can struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb out the painful feelings.
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